The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
Even though this is a comedy horror the comedy part of it is quite dry in a lot of places. It’s funny but not shoved in your face. For that reason, I’m not going to do “voice-y” writing but try and keep it subtle, a dry wit. And maybe a little extravagance in the bigger moments if I can’t hold it in.
The Film
The Logline
Affable hillbillies Tucker and Dale are on vacation at their dilapidated mountain cabin when they are mistaken for murderers by a group of preppy college students.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
EXT. BACK OF CABIN – DAY
DALE
(quiet)
That girl is hot.
Dale digs, in a world of his own as Allison wanders up behind him.
ALLISON
Dale?
Dale spins, surprised. Stares at her wide eyed.
DALE
Yeah? Uh…
He literally gawps at her.
ALLISON
Did you guys find my friends?
He can’t help but notice her tight midriff on show. Glances despite himself.
DALE
Wow.
ALLISON
What?
DALE
Huh? What?
His eyes are saucers, pointedly focuses on her face now.
DALE
(gabber)
Your friends? No, no, we left a note. They should be by here any minute.
Awkward beat.
ALLISON
What you doing?
DALE
I’m diggin’ a shitter hole.
(oops)
I’m diggin’ a crapper hole. Um, it’s a hole for the shit house- crap house.
He’s flustered.
ALLISON
(cute tease)
Out house hole.
DALE
Out house hole, yeah.
ALLISON
You mind if I help?
She goes for the pickaxe.
DALE
What? No, no. It’s not work for a prett- for a girl like you-
She’s already in the hole. Swings the pickaxe like a pro.
DALE
Oh.
ALLISON
I grew up on a farm, it was either help out or get out.
Dale observes possibly even more infatuated than before.
DALE
That’s a good rule.
ALLISON
I’ve done this before believe it or not.
DALE
Uh, yeah.
He can only stand and watch in admiration as she swings.
Beat.
ALLISON
So are you gonna help, or just stand there staring at me?
Caught in his revere, shakes it off.
DALE
Ahh… no, I’m gonna help.
He grabs the shovel.
ALLISON
Can’t dig this on my own.
DALE
You’re going a good job.
ALLISON
Thank you.
EXT. BACK, BACK OF CABIN – DAY
WUURRRR — a woodchipper spews forth chips of wood as it chews through a log with ease.
Tucker hefts another great log into its hungry maw.
EXT. BACK OF CABIN – DAY
The IDIOT GANG appears. Spy on Dale watching Allison dig.
TODD
Sick fucker, he’s making her dig her own grave.
CHAD
We don’t have much time. Does everyone have their weapons?
He brandishes his HAND AXE. Todd show a thick branch fashioned into a JAVELIN and Mike a pathetic PEN KNIFE.
CHAD
(to half)
You guys go around.
(to rest)
You guys go around and guard the woodchipper.
(to Guy #1)
You take the big guy.
They break.
Chad and Jason the only two left. Chad eyes Jason.
JASON
(matter of fact)
I’m just gonna chill right here.
Todd sneaks forward to the sight of Dale and Allison, at a safe distance. From his POV, Dale seems to be lording it over Allison.
DALE
Okay, one more load and we’re done.
Allison throws the last shovel of dirt. Dale holds out his hand.
DALE
Okay, get up.
Heaves her out.
Chad pop up from the woods.
CHAD
NOW!
From the woods Todd charges with his javelin.
Dale turns to see — the girls running.
DALE
Oh good, look your friends are here.
He waves. Shovel on shoulder.
DALE
Hey.
Todd screams his charge at Dale.
Allison spots it. Goes to push Dale out the way.
ALLISON
Dale!
He turns in surprise, whacks Allison across the head with the shovel. She DROPS into the pit and he follows right beside her on his back.
Todd continues his screaming advance — TRIPS! The javelin flies free —
Digs, POINT UP, into the ground next to Dale’s head.
DALE
Ahhh!
Todd FLIES into the hole too — SQUISH. Impales himself through the CHEST on the javelin. Dale cries out as Todd makes a slow descent down the javelin.
His face drifts towards Dale’s as he slides down. Spits a mouthful of blood.
WOODCHIPPER
Mike turns from the javelin disaster to see Tucker still chipping wood. Looks at his small penknife. Readies it for stabbing in his hand. Does not look confident.
Grits his teeth and CHARGES —
Dives for Tucker just as he bends to grab another log for the hungry teeth. Goes flying over and straight into — THE WOODCHIPPER!
Tucker turns back to see the chipper chewing on Mike. Panics and screams!
The two girls watch from a different angle, see —
Tucker holds the legs of Mike as the chipper chows down. Looks like Tucker is feeding him in! Not, as is reality, trying to pull him out!
Tucker grips his ankles. Blood SPRAYS over him as Mike’s legs twitch in his arms.
BLOOD EJECTS from the chipper — covers one of the girls.
The chipper looses power. Tucker drops the legs. The only thing left of Green Shirt guy. Wipes the blood from his eyes in a panic. Looks down into the chipper.
TUCKER
You okay?
The Original Script
From the screenplay written by Eli Craig & Morgan Jurgenson. Dated April 9th, 2009.
EXT. CABIN – LATER
A PICK AXE swings down into the dirt. Dale is drenched in sweat as he digs out a six foot long hole in the ground.
Allison walks up behind him. Somehow she’s managed to take ownership of Dale’s oversized clothes and looks as gorgeous as ever.
ALLISON
Dale? Did you find my friends?
DALE
(re: her appearance)
Uh, whoa.
ALLISON
What?
DALE
I mean, No. But we left them a note. I’m sure they’ll come by soon.
Allison looks at the six foot long hole in the ground.
ALLISON
(curious)
What’re you doing?
DALE
I’m diggin’ a shitter hole. I mean, a crapper hole… for the outhouse.
ALLISON
Mind if I help?
DALE
Oh, no. This ain’t no kind of work for a girl like–
She grabs the pick axe as Dale empties his shovel and takes a mighty swing into the dirt.
ALLISON
I grew up on a farm. It was either help out or get out.
Allison continues swinging the pick axe. Dale is frozen, unable to stop staring at her.
ALLISON
Well, are you gonna help, or are you just gonna sit there like a lump on a log?
Dale snaps out of his trance and picks up his shovel.
EXT. WOODS – DAY
The college kids crawl along the bushes. Through the underbrush, they see Allison dressed in Dale’s oversized clothes, swinging a PICK-AXE into the ground. She looks like his prisoner forced into manual labor.
TODD
That sick fuck. He’s making her dig her own grave!
CHAD
We don’t have much time.
(to Mike and Todd)
You guys got your weapons?
Todd’s crafted a spear from a branch, sharpened at both ends.
Mike struggles to open the blade on a small Swiss Army knife. Damn those things! He finally frees the blade, holds it up.
MIKE
Set!
EXT. CABIN – MOMENTS LATER
Dale grabs the pick and helps Allison climb from the hole.
In the bushes, Chad sees what looks like Dale about to deliver a death blow to Allison. He stands and yells out.
CHAD
Now!!
Dale notices Chad.
DALE
Oh, good, your friends are here.
Allison sees Todd running full sprint at Dale, spear in hand.
ALLISON
Todd?
Todd SCREAMS like a suicide bomber as he runs at them.
ALLISON
Dale? Look out!
Allison tackles Dale into the open hole in the ground. As they land, Allison hits her head on an exposed stone and is knocked out cold.
As he charges, Todd’s foot catches on a rock. He trips and falls onto his own spear. The sharpened wood is thrust through his body with a sickening sound.
He topples head first into the hole, landing on top of Allison and Dale. His eyes bulge and blood runs from his mouth as he GASPS his dying breath.
DALE
AAAAHHHH!!!
He struggles to get the dead boy off of him.
AT THE WOODCHIPPER
Oblivious to what’s happened, Tucker keeps on working.
Mike runs at him, his nerves now turned to pure rage. He holds up his pocket knife, about to stab Tucker in the back of the head, when Tucker leans down for another branch.
Mike stumbles, flying over Tucker’s back face first into the woodchipper. Chunks of brain and blood splatter across Tucker as he stands upright.
TUCKER
AAAAHHHHH!!
Mike’s legs twitch involuntarily as his body grinds to pieces. Tucker grabs hold and tries to pull him free, but Mike is ground in deeper.
IN THE BUSHES
COLLEGE GIRLS POV: It looks like Tucker is jamming Mike into the woodchipper by his legs.
The girls SCREAM as Tucker yanks even harder on the woodchipper, accidentally turning it toward the bushes. Blood sprays out of it into the woods, splattering Chloe.
Download the screenplay for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010) here and join The Screenwriters Network to gain access to 16,000+ other screenplays.
The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I would rate this as a ScreenYurPurdy myself but offer your opinion below in the comments.
If I may offer a lesson from outside of the comparison and me taking a bit of a guess, I would propose; leave room for improvisation. In the script Tucker says nothing after the woodchipper chows down on Mike but the line he delivers ends up being the highlight of the whole sequence. Who came up with it? I don’t know but I know I love it. To find some kind of useful lesson in there for writing, I’d say to remember to run the scene over and over in your head, allow yourself to play with the action and dialogue.
There’s some extra detail in the original script that I failed to include and I’d say that’s because it just didn’t register when I was watching. Such information as the length of the hole they’re digging. Allison looking like a prisoner. These things, I would say are important for the reader to help get across the tone but once it’s on screen, it’s more of a subconscious idea. I didn’t think “that hole is six foot long, just like a grave” for example.
It was pleasing to see the writing is quite subdued over what it could have easily been, a bombastic shout-a-thon. I noticed there is only one or two reader asides too and they weren’t in-your-face, I’m so voice-y either. On reflection, I could have added a little aside or two to inject some heightening in places. The penknife one sticks out to me as working well. I did add a “pathetic” in for my version of the script to a weaker effect though. Therefore, “we see”, everything in moderation, even asides. (Come at me in the comments!)
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
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Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
