The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
As this is a writer/direction I’m going to throw the reddit/screenwriting lesson rules out of the window and write it like I’m going to film it. Otherwise known as: I just don’t give a… flip! If camera directions make you break out in a cold sweat, you better turn away now! Viewer discretion is advised.
The Film
The Logline
A special military unit fights a powerful, out-of-control supercomputer and hundreds of scientists who have mutated into flesh-eating creatures after a laboratory accident.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
ONE darts a look into the Red Queen’s chamber. Signals.
ONE
Move up.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
INSERT
A CCTV camera’s light blinks on.
CAPLAN at the computer terminals, THREE SCREENS and KEYBOARDS. ALICE and SPENCE hover as third wheels.
The other commandos head in. Two lug a HEAVY SPORTS BAG.
ALICE
What’s that?
CAPLAN
That’s what’s gonna shut the queen down. Delivers a massive electrical charge, scrambles the mainframe and forces it to reboot.
Alice glances as the commandos step inside the corridor.
CLUNK — A thick, metal blast door DROPS. Blocks Alice and crew out and TRAPS the commandos in!
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
The two commandos dump the bag, joins the others in guns raised. Point at the nearly descended blast door. On guard for attack.
One readies too, radios.
ONE
Caplan?
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Caplan scans over the screens. What’s going on?
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
One backs up as the door to the queen’s chamber SLAMS shut too. No escape for the commandos now.
One keeps it cool but on his toes. Pulses rising.
ONE
Caplan?
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Caplan frowns at the screens.
CAPLAN
Some form of dormant defence mechanism. We must have tripped it when we opened the door.
Alice peers into the corridor via the blast door’s pillar-box window.
ONE (RADIO)
Put it back to sleep.
CAPLAN
Working on it.
CLOSE ON
Computer screens: Code flies by. A warning siren starts to BLARE. In big letters: LEVEL 5 WEAPON SYSTEM ACTIVATED
Caplan glances from screen to screen as the alarm continues on in insistence. Despite his military training, he lets slip a modicum of concern.
SPENCE
Could you open that door now, please.
CAPLAN
I’m trying…
He dives over to another terminal.
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
One quells any panic, keeps it professional.
ONE
Hold your positions, everyone stay calm.
The commandos keep scanning for attack. Mr White spots something near the Red Queen’s room entrance.
MR WHITE
What’s that?
Two bright lights start to form on opposite walls. The power they draw dims the corridor lights for a moment.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Alice turns from the window, doesn’t like what she sees.
ALICE
Caplan, quick!
Caplan’s fingers dance over the keys.
SPENCE
Come on, you gotta get them outta there.
ALICE
There’s something happening in there.
Caplan frowns in focus, his reserve slipping. Punches away at the keyboard now.
ALICE
Caplan, you gotta hurry.
SPENCE
Come on!
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
The two lights burst bright, join into a LASER BEAM — a blade across the entire width of the corridor at around neck height — it ROCKETS towards the commandos!
ONE
DOWN!
One YANKS Mr White down as the others dive behind, EXCEPT — Medic is too slow! She spins to see the beam just as it passes by her. No harm done?
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Alice back at the window, only able to watch.
ALICE
Come on, Caplan. There’s something killing them in there.
Caplan lost in the problem, types away furiously. The ringing of the alarm still a constant backdrop.
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
Although One got Mr White down, he’s not unscathed. He stares at his hand, THREE FINGER LASERED OFF! He screams.
ONE
MEDIC!
Medic stands unmoving as One yells for her. A blood line forms from the back of her neck, spreads a full 360 degrees. Her eyes move, starts a reaction — her head slides forward — OFF HER BODY!
Cut clean by the laser’s beam, a perfect cross-section of the neck’s anatomy.
One stares on from the ground with Mr White.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Alice bangs on the door.
ALICE
Open the door!
SPENCE
Open the door!
Caplan glares at the screen.
CAPLAN
I am trying!
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
One focuses back on Mr White.
ONE
Stay conscious.
Mr White shakes, his eyes roll back.
ONE
You’re going into shock.
Mr White slips further away. Not following orders!
ONE
STAY AWAKE!
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
CAPLAN
I’m almost there.
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
The other remaining commando shouts from the floor:
COMMANDO
It’s coming back!
The lights dim again at the Red Queen’s end.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Alice in a panic. Glances from the window to Caplan.
ALICE
Open the door!
Caplan flustered.
CAPLAN
I’m trying!
Spence over his shoulder.
SPENCE
Well try harder!
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
The beam darts towards them around ankle height this time. One and the commando up on their feet, back up. The commando in front by a step or two.
COMMANDO
It’s coming back!
Commando jumps to try and clear it — the beam jumps with him. Passes right through his waist. He lands, a shocked look, topples over in half.
One jumps too. Grabs the ceiling grate. Pulls himself up horizontal, body flat to the ceiling. What a BAMF with serious core strength! His knife dangles from his belt.
CLOSE ON
The laser slices right through the knife’s tip like butter.
INSERT
The cut off tip and sheath CLINKS to the ground.
One lowers himself back down.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Caplan panicked but focused.
CAPLAN
God!
Alice screams back from the window.
ALICE
Do it!
CAPLAN
I’m almost there.
INT. CORRIDOR – DAY
The beam starts up again at waist height. SPEARS towards One yet again.
One readies to jump or duck. Come on bitch!
The beam splits — forms a CROSS HATCH! No escape!
One stares, knows his fate.
ONE
Shit…
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Caplan hammers return.
CAPLAN
Got it.
INSERT
Computer screen reads: LEVEL 5 WEAPON SYSTEM DE-ACTIVATED
INT. CORRIDOR – CONTINUOUS
Too late. The cross-hatched beams pass through One then powers down, de-activated. One remains stood stock still.
Blood lines form where the cross-hatch laser beams cut through his face.
Alice watches on in despair through the window as One falls to literal PIECES on the floor.
INT. CONTROL ROOM – CONTINUOUS
Caplan and Spence join Alice in her shock as the blast door rises to reveal the devastation.
The Original Script
Written by Paul W. S. Anderson, draft date 2000.
INT. STEEL CORRIDOR
The vault door reverberates as its giant locking mechanisms come undone. Thirty inches of steel plate swing aside to reveal a high domed chamber bathed in red light. The lair of the Red Queen.
ONE
Forward in teams.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
ALICE, MATT and SPENCE watch in fascination as ONE unhooks what looks like a miniature rocket launcher from his belt.
ALICE
What is that?
TWELVE
That’s what’s going to put the Queen to sleep. The shells are tipped with depleted uranium.
SPENCE
They’re radioactive?
TWELVE
No …. it’s what’s left of uranium once nuclear fission is over.
MATT
Ten times heavier than lead.
TWELVE
What the hell kind of environmentalist are you?
MATT
(shrugs)
I read “Guns and Ammo”.
INT. STEEL CORRIDOR
The first team of COMMANDOS are just about to enter the Queen’s chamber when without warning, a thick blast door suddenly SLAMS down.
It separates the Away Team from the control room, cutting off their escape route.
ONE
Twelve?
INT. CONTROL ROOM
TWELVE scrambles for an answer, his fingers flying between the three keyboards.
TWELVE
Some kind of dormant defense mechanism, we must have tripped it when we opened the door.
ONE (O.S.)
Well put it back to sleep.
TWELVE
Working on it.
INT. STEEL CORRIDOR
ONE keeps a tight rein on his troops. Allowing no one to panic.
ONE
Hold your positions! Everyone stay calm!
COMMANDO
What’s that?
From within the Queen’s chamber comes a sudden movement. A horizontal beam of red light. Traveling down the corridor at high speed.
ONE
Down! Down!
ONE drags the Commando beside him to the ground as the wire thin beam of light passes overhead.
COMMANDO
My fingers ….
The Commando stares at his right hand. All four fingers are missing.
COMMANDO
…. what happened to my fingers?
They are lying on the highly polished floor. Along with the remains of his gun, also neatly sliced in half. The Commando begins to go into shock.
ONE
Medic!
The Medic is standing close by. Unmoving.
ONE
Medic!
Blood begins to pour from a razor thin line around the Medic’s neck. Then his head peels off and tumbles to the floor.
The headless body remains standing for a moment. Then it falls to its knees and pitches forward.
COMMANDO 2
(terrified)
What the fuck was that?
ONE
Laser beam. Stay out of its way …. it’ll cut straight through you.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
ALICE and MATT are trying to force the heavy steel blast door open.
ALICE
We’ve got to get them out of there!
SPENCE
(to Twelve)
Help then.
TWELVE
I’m trying!
INT. STEEL CORRIDOR
ONE ties a bloody tourniquet around the remains of the Commando’s hand.
ONE
Stay conscious…you’re going into shock … you have to stay awake!
COMMANDO 2
It’s coming back!
The thin line of laser light streaks back towards them. This time it is just above ankle level, like a trip wire. Commando 2 tries to jump over it, but the laser adjusts, suddenly raising in height.
Commando 2 is caught off guard and sliced neatly in two. He stays conscious for a couple of seconds. Just long enough to see the horror of his own body falling apart.
Only ONE has survived.
He has leaped into the air and stayed there, his feet braced against either wall of the corridor. The laser beam has passed right underneath him, only just missing. A knife that hangs from his belt is cut clean in two. The metal blade clatters to the steel floor below.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
ALICE and SPENCE struggle with the blast door. They are starting to inch it open.
But the laser wire is coming back for ONE.
ONE (O.S.)
Shut it down! Shut it down!
TWELVE
Almost there.
Streams of letters and numbers chase across his computer screens as TWELVE closes in on the override code.
INT. STEEL CORIRIDOR
ONE readies himself as the laser wire races towards bun. It is at waist level, but could alter at any moment.
ONE stands his ground. Ready to pit his lightning reflexes against those of the computer. His concentration is absolute.
At the last second, the single thin laser wire switches to a grid. Fifty interlocking laser lines fanning a deadly net from which there is no escape.
ONE
Shit!
The laser grid dices him into three inch cubes.
INT. CONTROL ROOM
The others watch in horror as ONE’S body literally falls apart.
Everyone in the corridor is dead.
The team have been wiped out in under thirty seconds.
TWELVE’S laptop beeps. Breaking the silence. It has cracked the override code.
In the steel corridor laser flickers and dies.
Too little. Too late.
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The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I would rate this as a ScreenNemesis myself. A plus here and minus there makes it kind of equal out in my mind but offer your opinion below in the comments.
Rip up that one minute per page guide? The clip itself is just over two minutes and yet I’ve managed to write nearly six pages with the original script section being a little over four. The “”rule” itself is only a guide but how did I go so far over? One culprit and reasonable argument against it, is the direction on the page. All those extra lines soon add up and brings forth the question of do you really need to use it? I could quite easily have suggested the direction with a new line or phrasing of the action. Like every screenwriting “rule”, make sure you understand its use and why you are using it.
The other reason for such a page count bloat is the cutting between scenes. You can see from the original script that the cutting is there but far more infrequent. This is were the script can give the idea of pacing and then it’s in the editing of the filmed scenes where it becomes finely honed.
I see an interesting attempt to correct a tense problem when Paul W.S. Anderson is describing how One escapes the second beam and the laser slices his knife. He goes from past tense, “… leaped into the air and stayed there…”, to the present. This highlights the difficulty in getting across simultaneous actions in the restricted linear form of writing. In my version, I kept the correct order at the expense of possibly making the moment feel longer than it was. I’d argue that keeping to the present tense and action is preferable over the slight time elongation problem as a general guide. I can also imagine that if it were shot differently, the original version would make more sense, coming to One’s action after the fact.
A final little aside conclusion. I was expecting a certain tone or “voice” in the screenwriting of Mr Anderson (no, not that one or the other one) but I was surprised at how “calm” it actually is. I wrote my version with those expectations and it goes to show yet again, how we shouldn’t make assumptions of something based on limited knowledge.
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
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Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
