The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
Imagery, imagery, imagery. Can you guess my focus for this one? There’s a lot of crazy visuals in this film and so it seems only fitting that I should try and do them justice on the page. Of course, huge blocks of descriptive text is a bit of a no-no when it comes to screenwriting so I’m going to have to balance brevity against detail.
The Film
The Logline
A biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition into a mysterious zone where the laws of nature don’t apply.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
EXT. HUT – DAY
A large wooden hut lies half submerged into the murky lake water. Lena examines the colourful flowers that flourish around the hut. Crawl up its side.
Dr Ventress stands casually by.
Josie exits the hut, stands in the doorway.
DR VENTRESS
Anything interesting in there?
JOSIE
No. It’s been long abandoned, maybe even before-
She’s RIPPED back through the door. Lena springs up.
LENA
Radik? RADIK?!
Lena and Dr Ventress charge into the hut.
INT. HUT – CONTINUOUS
The murky lake water floods half the floor. Lina rushes in followed by Dr Ventress to find —
Josie being FLUNG around in the water by something unseen.
JOSIE
It’s got my bag-!
A massive splash as she’s YANKED down.
Lena wastes no time, wades in as Josie reappears.
JOSIE
Something’s got my bag!
WOOSH — dragged under again. Ripped from Lena’s grasp.
Lena fights to wade in deeper. Grabs a flailing Josie as she’s dragged under the water. Pulls the choking Josie up.
Anya and Cass run in.
LENA
Help me with her!
They dash and wade in, help drag Josie out as Dr Ventress watches on. Get under her arms, half-carry her out.
Lena watches the water as it swirls to still.
EXT. HUT – CONTINUOUS
Anya and Cass help Josie away from the hut.
ANYA
Let’s sit you down.
A safe distance, gets her sat on the ground.
ANYA
Okay, just breath.
CASS
(to Lena)
What the hell happened?
Lena with gun ready, eyes glued to the water.
LENA
Something in the water.
CRASH from the back side of the hut. Lena aims, ready. The others watch on, ridged.
CRASH as a part of the back side of the hut flies out.
Beat.
A MASSIVE CROCODILE pads out the hut. Easily twice the size of any croc you’ve ever seen. It’s nearly all white with red splotches that infect its side.
ANYA
(to Josie)
Get up, get up! Go!
It slides into the muddied water. Destination unknowable.
They back away, guns at the ready.
The crocodile SPEARS from the water, flops on the ground. Advances with a ROAR, mouth agape. Fast even with tiny legs.
ANYA
Get back.
The women split in a semi-circle. Cass closest becomes the target. It CHARGES —
BANG, BANG. Cass lets loose into its massive albino body. The red splotches joined by bullet holes of blood. As Cass retreats, Anya the next nearest prey.
Anya unload — click, click, out of bullets quick.
It keeps coming.
She back over camp equipment. It’s about to strike —
ANYA
Holy fuck!
BANG-BANG. Lena hits. It snaps to her. Raises up in its advances, mouth wide. She drops to a knee, fires. Fast as it waddles at her. She doesn’t blink, keeps firing.
Closer, closer. Pops of blood as the bullets penetrate its white, tough skin. The back of its throat encircled with sharp teeth. Merged in the throat’s flesh what looks almost like a human face.
Lena stares it down, still fires.
It drops. She stands to watch it shrink as it exhales its last breath.
The Original Script
From the draft labelled V.10, written by Alex Garland.
EXT. SWAMP/FISHING HUT – DAY
On the bank of the swamp is the half-collapsed frame of a wooden hut, and a short jetty.
The hut is smothered on one side by a dense carpet of brightly coloured FLOWERS. They cover the ground and push up the side of the building like a snow drift.
– LENA crouches by the brightly coloured flowers, growing on the side of the structure.
Like a sprawling bouquet, they are very varied. Some large. Some small. Some a vivid blue. Some red. Others are creamy white, with scatterings of orange-fringed crimson on the broad petals.
REVEAL –
– something that RADEK hasn’t seen.
In the black swamp water behind RADEK, there is the half-submerged head of a huge ALLIGATOR.
Its armoured skin is BLACK. Obsidian. Reflective.
And it has strange eyes. Red pupils that bleed into yellow, like diffusing saffron.
Oblivious, RADEK turns back to LENA and DR VENTRESS.
RADEK
Shall we see if they still float?
The NEXT MOMENT –
– the ALLIGATOR LUNGES at RADEK.
Thrusting out of the water. Massive jaws pulling open. We can see amidst the water spray and flash of movement, this creature is at least two times the size of a normal gator, in bulk as well as length.
LENA
Radek!
RADEK reacts –
– and sees the gaping MOUTH and TEETH as they lunge towards her.
She turns away –
– just as the creature’s jaws SNAP.
Closing on her BACKPACK.
RADEK’S screams are abruptly knocked out of her –
– as the ALLIGATOR viciously snaps its head to the side, tossing the young woman like a ragdoll.
RADEK remains held fast by the shoulder straps on her bag.
Then –
– the ALLIGATOR pulls back into the water, and both the creature and RADEK are gone.
A moment of stunned silence.
Then LENA is running for the water.
LENA
RADEK!
DR VENTRESS
Lena! Stop!
LENA doesn’t listen.
Runs into the swamp up to her knees, gun raised, sweeping the black mirrored surface.
LENA
RADEK!
THORENSEN and SHEPPARD appear from the hut.
THORENSEN
What the Hell happened?
LENA
A gator took her! We’ve got to –
AT THAT MOMENT –
– RADEK bursts out of the water, only a couple of metres from LENA.
Her backpack is gone. She’s gasping for breath.
RADEK
Help! HELP ME!
LENA grabs her.
Starts dragging her out of the swamp.
RADEK
It’s got my bag!
LENA
Fuck the bag!
Just as they reach the bank –
THORENSEN
Shit!
– as the water erupts behind them as the GATOR appears and lunges again.
LENA shoves RADEK hard to the side, and pulls her rifle to her shoulder –
– and opens fire.
She empties an ENTIRE clip into the GATOR. Rounds slam into torso, punching through the reptile armour.
But incredibly, the creature isn’t killed.
It simply redirects its attention from RADEK to LENA.
LENA desperately tries to jam in a new clip –
– as the GATOR propels itself in her direction.
Just as the creature is about to reach her –
– the CLIP is driven home, and LENA cocks her gun and opens fire again –
– emptying this magazine at point blank range, directly down the GATOR’S THROAT.
The muzzle flash illuminates the interior. Bullets slam into the flesh.
This time, LENA is joined by SHEPPARD, THORENSEN and DR VENTRESS.
In five seconds, four women empty four magazines. Riddling the creature’s head and torso.
After the last shot is fired, the ALLIGATOR remains supported on its legs, jaws open, frozen for a moment, half out of the water.
Then the legs buckle.
And the jaws shut.
It’s dead.
CUT TO BLACK.
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The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I would rate this as a ScreenFail myself but offer your opinion below in the comments.
Why a ScreenFail? Glad you asked! While my version is certainly passable, I didn’t manage to walk near enough to that prose line. That’s not to say there is anything especially prosaic in the original’s writing, just that the descriptive words are somewhat denser than the “usual” for want of a better word. For such a visual film, it makes total sense to go the extra mile with painting the world and the weird creatures and objects that inhabit it. I didn’t go far enough and that’s why I ScreenFailed.
Here we have another example of the script-to-screen evolution. It’s true the general setup of the scene remains the same, the location was made better use of in the final filming.
I said I would concentrate on the imagery but then I let my inclination for brevity overrun, ironically, my words. In the original script Alex Garland takes a whole paragraph to describe the flowers. Their sizes, colours, he takes the time. My simple couple of sentences do manage to convey somewhat of the same, the lack of details does not get across the oddness of the flowers. That really, to my mind, is the point. This is odd, pay attention.
To give myself a little “atta boy”, I do think my action lines of the… action, is much closer to the original in terms of feeling. Not necessarily on par but certainly closer. I’m finding the silver lining! Leave me alone!
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
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Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
