The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
When it comes to this scene it really is out there so I’m going to go for action lines turned all the way up to 11. My plan is to convey the craziness the viewer would see and the reactions they would have. Also, as this is an older film, I’m going to go for slightly chunkier paragraphs than today.
The Film
The Logline
A research team in Antarctica is hunted by a shape-shifting alien that assumes the appearance of its victims.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
INT. MEDICAL ROOM – NIGHT
BEEEEEEPPPPP — PATIENT is flat-lining!
KURT stands ready by the door with FLAME THROWER and DYNAMITE, not fucking about. OTHERS watch on.
Patient lies unconscious on the medical bed. BZZZT — DOCTOR shocks him, no reaction. Stands back, holds defibrillation pads ready to go again.
DOCTOR
Clear!
He PLUNGES the paddles towards the Patient’s chest — CRACK! Patient’s chest splits open vertically, forms a weird “mouth” with large sharp teeth. Doctor’s hands descend into the gapping chest! SNAP — the “mouth” BITES, shears Doctor’s arms clean off at the elbows. Pulls back the stumps screaming. Falls to the floor.
Patient’s chest “mouth” opens back up. Inside tendrils flail this way and that. SHOOT up to the ceiling. A stem from the body leads to a lone HEAD attached. The grotesquely deformed head looks down on them, it’s Patient’s! Spider like legs cling to the ceiling. It lets out a deep moan.
Kurt stares, what-the-fuck? Aims the flame thrower and BURNS that fucking thing. Covers its body all in flame.
Patient’s actual head, hidden by the flames, cries out as it TEARS itself away from the burning body. Green tendrils RIP away as the skin breaks. Green puss leaks as the head slides and drops off the table. THUDS to the floor, free of the cooking body.
Kurt gives the body another BLAST of flame for good measure.
The free head’s eyes swivel, it’s mouth opens — a LONG THIN TONGUE flails looking for purchase. WHIPS itself around a chair, begins to pull itself under a table out of sight.
The other men charge in with FIRE EXTINGUISHERS, Kurt holds them back. Wants it well done.
KURT
Wait!
The head drags itself across the floor.
KURT
Okay, go!
The men SPRAY, filling the room with extinguisher FOG.
The head makes it under the table unseen. A disgusting cracking noise like breaking bones — SPIDER LIKE LEGS sprout from the head! The eyes sprout up like antenna. A head/spider/what-the-fuck takes form.
KURT
Wendel, get in here.
Kurt pushes WENDEL into the room.
Fully transformed, the head/spider/what-the-fuck crawls out from under the table. SKITTERS away behind the men. Two of the other men notice — bug-eyed stares as they watch it go.
MAN
You gotta be fucking kidding?
Kurt turns to follow their gawps.
Kurt stares at the head/spider/what-the-fuck, its antenna eyes stare back. Kurt grits his teeth — FLAME SPEWS FORTH. Burns the head/spider/what-the-fuck. It cries out in the flames. Kurt blasts it again. Burn you fucker!
The Original Script
This is from the script marked March 4, 1981. Second Draft by Bill Lancaster from the story Who Goes There by Don A. Stuart.
INT. INFIRMARY
[…]
Buzzzz. Several more jolts from the prongs. Clark’s hand has found a scalpel. He gently lifts it out, bringing it to his side.
MAC READY
And if anyone tries to wake me….
DR. COPPER
Damn you, MacReady!
Norris’ body begins bounding up. More crackling and popping. His chest begins to break up and spread. The mask pops off — a hideous mewing escaping from Norris’ distorted mouth.
The men jump back, incredulous. Dr. Copper scrambles off his chest and flops to the floor.
SANCHEZ
God… what…
They watch on in stunned horror as The Thing that was Norris begins to change, to spread awkwardly on the slab. Its clothes tearing. A shoe splits in half and falls to the floor, exposing the beginnings of a talon.
MacReady charges toward it, shooing the men off.
MAC READY
Get out of the way!!
He unloads with a stream of flame. The body writhes in pain, belching and hissing. The slab catches fire. It struggles, lunges for the floor, straightens up, and moves a few feet.
A black and yellow substance rips through its trousers and squirts to the floor. Norris’ body collapses on the fibril-lating machine in flame. Extinguishers are ripped from the walls and put to work.
MacReady watches the smoking particles of ooze in fascina-tion, as they twitch and mew on the floor.
Within seconds the fire is out. The men stand around as they look upon The Thing that was once Norris.
MacReady continues to observe the small particles. Their tiny squeals abating into silence.
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The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I’m going with ScreenShrug. The clip and original are so different you can’t really compare. What do you think? Comment below.
First off, I didn’t end up turning it all the way up to 11. I may have gotten 11 adjacent in a few places? Having such thick action blocks and the characters not overreacting in the clip may have tempered my willingness to go completely overboard.
The biggest thing I learnt, or relearnt, was that scripts change. I knew this already but in this example it goes to show how far what is written is changed and evolves within the film making process. This doesn’t appear to be the production script but it’s easy to imagine that the special effects team may have had a hand in how the scene changed (for the better).
Sound is used quite heavily in the original. It’s easy to forget with film being a “visual medium” just how important sound is. Outside of the expected BANGS, THUDS and CRASHES, I’m going to consider what other smaller sounds I can add to my writing to heighten the visuals.
I also learnt that small action blocks aren’t all that new. From what I remember of older scripts I’ve read they tended to have quite meaty action blocks. Going from the script I have available, while there are 5 line action blocks, when it comes down to the action in the action, shorter and sharper still seems to have ruled the day even back then.
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
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Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
