The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
Given this is directed by McG and anyone who is a Wittertainment listener will have Mark Kermode’s impression in their head, I shall engage the teenage boy within me when I write this. Admittedly, that requires very little effort or none at all on my part.
The Film
The Logline
The events of one evening take an unexpected turn for the worst for a young boy trying to spy on his babysitter.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
INT. STAIRS – NIGHT
Cole’s head sandwiched between the stair’s banisters. Hiding in the dark, he spies on —
LIVING ROOM
The gang (Sonya, John, Max and Allison) rise to watch the show. Nerd stands before Bee, she chassés up. Gets close. Really close. He can taste her breath. She teases off his glasses.
BEE
(soothing)
Close your eyes, okay? Pretend they’re not even here.
Nerd nervous under all their gazes. Sonya tries to help.
SONYA
You can do this. You got this.
The gang continues to watch on, not helping.
NERD
Just because I close my eyes, it doesn’t mean they’re not here.
Bee cups his face with a gentle smile. Stares seductively into his eyes.
BEE
Do you trust me?
NERD
Yes.
BEE
Just relax. It’s not weird okay, we’re just having fun.
She draws in and plants a tender, boner inducing kiss.
The gang whoop.
STAIRS
Cole’s eyes go wide. Jealous?
LIVING ROOM
As Bee breaks off, Nerd’s eyes drift open in a daze. What a kiss, he’s going to cry in happiness?
Bee’s face hardens, her arms come up, hands unseen. Nerd’s blissed out face and glazed eyes pay no attention.
BAM! She brings down TWO HUNTING KNIFES into his FUCKING SKULL! His head now with knife horns.
Nerd SCREAMS!
STAIRS
Cole’s eyes go wide!
SUPER: WHAT… THE… FUCK!
Can’t tear himself away.
LIVING ROOM
Nerd continues to scream. Bee buries the knives in deeper. Scream turns to tears. Bee calm and cucumber cool.
BEE
Shh, shh. You’re helping fulfil a great purpose, know this.
NERD
I don’t want to fulfil a great porpoise.
The gang surround Nerd with GOBLETS in hand.
MAX
Did he just say porpoise?
JOHN
I think he did.
Bee stares deeply into Nerd’s eyes. Poor Nerd.
BEE
Didn’t even get a chance to understand.
STAIRS
Cole stares on wide eyed, hyperventilates.
LIVING ROOM
Goblets raised.
BEE
Ready?
She RIPS the knives free. BLOOD pours from the wounds. The goblets catch the crimson flow. Except —
JOHN
Wait, my shit ain’t working.
John’s side the blood does not flow. He taps Nerd’s head — SPUUUUURT! A torrent of blood EJACULATES into his face.
Max laughs.
MAX
Oh shit.
John, covered in blood, gags.
MAX
All that blood was just in his boner.
Bee is not amused.
BEE
Max, don’t laugh. Nerd relax, okay? This blood is serving you.
JOHN
I did not sign up for this shit to serve me in my mouth.
(then)
It’s still warm. I think he’s got a fever.
Bee annoyed.
BEE
(to John)
Know what you signed up for, okay? You wanna go platinum? Things can get messy when you sign a deal with the devil. Now collect it.
John straightens up, taps again.
JOHN
Like this?
The blood pulses into his goblet this time.
STAIRS
Cole eases back away from the banister, from the horror.
ALLISON (O.S.)
How long will this take. I want my shit to come true.
Continues to hyperventilate.
BEE (O.S.)
Allison, you’ll all get what you want.
LIVING ROOM
Bee’s goblet fills to the brim, a wry smile.
Nerd is a tapped keg. Max heaves him away.
MAX
Okay, let’s go.
Drags him away.
STAIRS
Cole edges forward, sees Nerd being propped out the way.
JOHN (O.S.)
Look at my outfit, I just got this.
The Original Script
This is from a script with no date or other identifiers, written by Brian Duffield.
INT. UPSTAIRS HALL – CONTINUOUS
Cole gets down to his hands and knees and peers over the second floor balcony-
Where he sees THEM sitting in a circle in the living room.
[…]
Poor Samuel stands up.
SAMUEL
I’m, I’m sorry, this is kinda weird-
Bee stands up too.
MAX
Stop being a pussy Sam.
SAMUEL
I’m not! I just, it’s weird, with all you guys staring-
BEE
Sam.
He looks at Bee, now standing in front of him.
BEE
Just close your eyes. Pretend they’re not here.
SAMUEL
Closing my eyes doesn’t mean they’re not here.
BEE
Do you trust me?
After a moment, he nods. She wraps her arms around his neck.
BEE
Then don’t stress. Just relax. This is fun. This is not weird. Okay?
He reluctantly agrees.
SAMUEL
Okay.
BEE
C’mere.
She kisses him.
And Cole’s heart breaks. He can’t look away. Try as he might-
But wait.
As they kiss, Max and John hand something to Bee.
She takes it behind Samuel’s head and Cole sees-
That she has TWO KNIVES IN HER HANDS.
Which she plunges into Samuel’s poor skull.
[“WHAT THE FUCK” text takes up a whole page.]
Cole slams back against the wall in terror.
He doesn’t know what to do. His hands shake. His mouth hangs open. He doesn’t understand-
BEE
Shhh. Shhh. It’s alright.
Cole forces his shaking body to peer down again-
Samuel’s body is trembling. He keeps trying to breathe, but can’t seem to exhale.
Only inhales.
He stares at Bee with understandably confused eyes.
His body goes slack, but Bee holds him up with the knives in his head.
BEE
Shhh. Just let go.
SONYA
(sings)
Let it go-
BEE
Shut up, Sonya! Show some respect.
Bee looks back at the almost-dead Samuel.
She smiles.
BEE
You are helping fulfil a great purpose. Know this.
Samuel stutters.
SAMUEL
…I don’t wanna be a great porpoise-
And with that said, his eyes fade out.
And he dies, being held up by the knives sticking out of his head, held by the last girl he’ll ever kiss.
Cole’s brain is exploding a million times a second.
MAX
Did he say porpoise?
JOHN THE BAPTIST
I think he did.
MAX
(laughs)
That’s so shitty.
BEE
He didn’t even get to understand.
She says this kind of sadly.
Sonya and John have two urns. They hold them up by the knives.
Max wraps his arms around Samuel’s chest.
BEE
Ready?
SONYA
Ready ready.
With a gross squelch, Bee pulls the knives from his head.
His leg twitches as she does as-
Blood slowly leaks out on Sonya’s side while-
A small geyser shoots John in the face.
JOHN THE BAPTIST
Gasdfgasdfg
MAX
Oh shit!
BEE
Don’t laugh. John, relax.
John closes his eyes and mouth obediently, but still freaks out internally.
Bee pushes his hands up, so the urn starts collecting the blood instead of his face.
BEE
There you go.
He exhales.
[…]
And except Cole, who is literally trembling.
Download the screenplay for The Babysitter (2017) here and join The Screenwriters Network to gain access to 16,000+ other screenplays.
The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I would rate this as a close ScreenDraw myself but offer your opinion below in the comments.
An interesting lesson for me was that big moments on the page might not come across so big on the screen. I underplayed Cole’s reactions in my version compared to the original script. On the page, the larger reactions certainly read better but if acted the same they might come across as a little cartoony. That’s my thinking between the difference. Also, these larger reactions could be considered more for the actors, meant to convey the inner thoughts of the character.
In my version I separated out the location of the living room and the stairs so as to avoid any confusion. Admittedly, a lot of the back and forth in the clip will have come from editing but it’s interesting how Brian (I’ve put us on first name terms), didn’t feel the need to delineate the two locations with sluglines. In fact, he didn’t even uppercase, bold or underline the living room location in the action line. I’m not sure I would want to risk any location confusion and so, mini-slugs is where I placed my money.
This next point may be a bit contentious and a certain Craig Mazin of Scriptnotes fame (he hasn’t done anything else award worthy, right?) might pull me up. But, writing unfilmables, in this case: “held by the last girl he’ll ever kiss” is something I feel, that as an amateur, I can’t get away with. Sure, people “higher” up might not care but getting through to those people usually requires going through people who will care. Or, are looking for any excuse to quit reading.
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
For more screenplays and advice on screenwriting, go to The Screenwriters Network and join the Discord server to start networking with over 6,000 screenwriters and gain access to over 16,000 screenplays.
Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
