The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
I’m going to try for a subtler, more internal style of writing with this one. Much of the horror of The Babadook comes from the “what ifs” rather than the visuals on-screen. Building the tension required is not going to be achieved with BIG ACTIONS for the most part so, I shall try to be a big boy and use my words.
The Film
The Logline
A single mother and her child fall into a deep well of paranoia when an eerie children’s book titled “Mister Babadook” manifests in their home.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
INT. HOUSE – NIGHT
SERIES OF SHOTS
— The living room dark and abandoned.
— The hallway quiet and still.
— The master bedroom door closed.
INT. MASTER BEDROOM – NIGHT
Amelia lays awake in bed, her back to Samuel sound asleep on the other side. She rolls onto her back, face puffy from the toll and tears.
Stares up at the unlit ceiling lampshade. Silence.
A SCRAPING NOISE jolts her upright. Eyes locked on the door.
Her fear builds with each breath…
BARK!
An exhale of relief. Just the bloody dog.
She quick steps to the door. A CREAK of complaint as it opens. The dog saunters in. Another creak as she shuts it.
Climbs back into bed. Stares up, out into nothing, lost.
SCRAPE! SCRAPE!
Amelia eases upright, transfixed on the door.
Beat.
Click — CREEEEEAAAAAAAK, the door opens by itself.
She stares petrified. What will enter?
A skittering sound precedes a DARK FIGURE. Low, crouched, it creeps in the door.
Amelia dives down, rips the covers over her head.
From under the covers, the sound gets closer. She dare not close her eyes. Dare not look either. A CROAKY voice encroaches from above:
BABADOOK (O.S.)
Ba-ba-dook. Dook! DOOOOK!
Heavy breaths, she lowers the covers. Stares up at the ceiling lampshade. Nothing there — in a FLASH, the dark figure crawls next to the lampshade.
TWITCHES — now hanging from it.
Difficult to make it out in the darkness. She dare not take her eyes off it.
It DROPS! Its black face, mouth agape, ROCKETS towards her. Her mouth opens wide to cry out. It seems to dive in.
The Original Script
The below is from the script marked: Draft 6.3, September 2011 by Jennifer Kent.
INT. AMELIA’S BEDROOM – LATER
Amelia lies wide awake in bed on her side. Samuel is out to it. She turns over, restless, staring at the ceiling.
That sound downstairs again. Only this time, it comes up the stairs and stops outside her door. Amelia freezes.
A slight scratching sound at the door. She starts to panic, the scratching gets louder.
She hears a whimpering. It’s the dog.
She springs out of bed and opens the door, relieved.
Bugsy runs in, jumps straight up on the bed, finds a spot near Samuel and settles. Amelia jumps under the covers.
Silence. Darkness. Amelia’s eyes flicking, nervous.
The scratching starts up again, only this time it can’t be the dog. Amelia stares at the door unable to move.
The door clicks and moves open by itself. Amelia watches, her heart in her throat. The rustling, scratching sound moves inside the room. Amelia slips the covers over her head, terrified. She can’t see anything now.
The sound appears to be moving closer.
After an age, Amelia pulls down the duvet, unable to stand it anymore. She peers into the terrible darkness.
Something large and black lurks in one corner on the ceiling. She can’t make out what it is. Time stops.
The shadow scuttles quickly across the ceiling. It stops right above her head. Amelia is paralyzed by fear. She hears a rasping sound. The thing appears to be breathing.
Her hand reaches for the bedside lamp. Her eyes are fixed on the dreaded shadow right above her head.
Before she can get there, the thing drops down right on top of her. She sees its hideous, mask like face millimetres from her own; the black eyes, the mouth wrenched open in a permanent, silent scream. She takes a huge breath, as if breathing the thing in, terrorized.
Download the screenplay for The Babadook (2014) here and join The Screenwriters Network to gain access to 16,000+ other screenplays.
The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I would rate this as a ScreenBoth. There are certain bits I prefer in my version and others I prefer in the original. Offer your opinion below in the comments.
I am quite heartened at some of the short, shape sentences used in the original screenplay as they tend to mirror a style I like to adopt. A lot of the “fat” of the sentences has been removed and so the lean meat tends to hit you harder.
I find it interesting that certain reactions are left to the end of the sentence. The prime example of this is “She springs out of bed and opens the door, relieved.” The relief of the character would be shown on-screen first before she walks to the door. In my version, I even separate the two actions out. First I show the relief and then I show going to the door. Without wanting to get into a silly argument about it, I would standby my version as preferred over the original for the sake of the visual imagery.
The somewhat understated style of the original still manages to get across the required feeling with choice words where necessary: Freezes, terrified, terrible darkness, scuttles and dreaded. Again, within the lean sentences, these words become more powerful.
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
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Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
