The Hyperbole
I shall stand strong against the professional writer. I shall fight as David against Goliath. Small and (not) so humble, I shall do battle. With the slash of my pen (keyboard) and the (paper) cut of my canvas (screen) will I bring down the mighty screenwriters of today and yore. I shall be the ScreenSlayer!
The Setup
If you’re not evolving, you’re dying. True for life and true for screenwriting. With that in mind then how can we evolve in our screenwriting and make that Killer Shorts entry sing on the page? By writing. By reading. Why not combine the two? Okay, that’s a good idea you had. I will watch a clip from a horror film and then write the screenplay version myself. After, I’ll compare it to the actual script and see what lessons there are to be learnt. And ponder a little (tongue in cheek), did I ScreenSlay the professional?
I’ve not read the script for this clip before or if I have I’ve completely forgotten doing so. I would forget my own name if… where was I?
The Approach
I’m a firm believer in the “voice” reflecting the tone of the film and the scene. A bombastic scene written in a flat monotone won’t get the reader hyped. A hyper written quiet scene is going to leave a reader confused.
I did consider writing this in a very jokey, jocular tone to fit with the comedy aspects of the film but I think by taking it seriously, I won’t have to worry about undercutting any of the horror moments. The jokes and laughs should come from the visuals, not the words on the page. Outside of those words describing the visuals. You know what I mean!
The Film
The Logline
A boy who has a bad Christmas accidentally summons a festive demon to his family home.
The Clip
The Amateur Script
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT
Howard, eyes on stalks, hobbles in. Behind him, the air vent open. He sweeps the shotgun, torch combo around. On the hunt, ready for whatever may come.
Limps past the GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
Something MOVES inside it. It gives a high-pitched, mocking laugh. Howard spins with a ROAR!
ATTIC
Tom takes the leads behind his torch and ready pistol.
Sarah grips her axe tight, peers into the small vision her torch gives. At the back, Linda with torch also.
Tom, on edge, sweeps his beam over the dusty, cobwebbed furniture and detritus that fills the attic.
A quiet clunking, crunching sound draws them deeper in.
KITCHEN
Howard moves past the gingerbread house. A partially open cabinet door grabs his attention. He grimaces in determination. Gets his aim in. Moves closer.
With the barrel, eases the door fully open —
Nothing but plates and jars.
ATTIC
The three move further in.
Clink-clonk-clink. A large JACK-IN-THE-BOX box, the “Jack” already popped. A snake like cloth body with ridged segments, weaves out to a dark corner.
They slides their torch beams down the undulating, pulsating “body” to —
The back of a MASSIVE CLOWN HEAD. Sarah stares in terror.
TOM
Oh, come on!
It turns to reveal — A child’s lower legs and feet protrude from its mouth. Its swallows like a snake.
Tom waves the gun at it as it turns full on —
Flesh under the split porcelain mask of its face. Its gummed mouth houses razor sharp teeth. Thick drool slides from the disarticulated maw. It swallows down the rest of the kid as Tom, Sarah and Linda cry in incoherent protest.
Finished, it wipes its mouth with a hanky. Stares at them with a grin.
Sarah screams:
SARAH
OH MY GOD!!
Linda weeps.
It roars, parting its clown mask face to show it’s monstrous mouth and teeth once again.
SARAH
Shoot it! Shoot it! For God’s sake shoot it!
BANG — Tom hits an inch off. It dives away. BANG, BANG – Misses as it slithers away amongst the attic crap.
KITCHEN
HOWARD
LINDA?!
PFTT, PFFT, PFTT — Nails impale into his leg.
He cries in pain as the high-pitched laughs begin again.
Cries in pain. Turns to see —
THREE GINGERBREAD MEN holding a NAIL GUN! All laughing their ginger assess off. Nearly dropping the gun.
HOWARD
We should have gone to my brother’s.
One jumps on the trigger as the other two aim — PFFT, PFFT, PFFT. Howard dives as the nails fly, only missing by inches.
Kitchen items crack and pop as the rogue nails strike. Their raucous evil little laughs increase. Sparks fly off the kitchen sink. They track Howard to —
Trapped in the corner, he hunkers down. A broken bag of coffee rain beans down on him. He grabs a chopping board for a shield. NAILS THUD THUD THUD into it.
Howard stares wide-eyed as their tips penetrate through. The high-pitched laughs continue. Having a great time.
ATTIC – SAME TIME
SARAH
Where’d it go?
TOM
I don’t know!
He flicks the torch around in search.
SARAH
My God!
CRASH behind them. They spin. Throw their lights all around the attic space. Noises from everywhere!
Slowly they all converge above them in the rafters —
A porcelain DOLL with feather wings for arms. They unfurl as it lets out a quiet cry. Small taloned hands. A baby face, eyes closed. Its mouth opens, lined with small, sharp teeth.
Sarah screams.
Eyes PING open, locks on Sarah. It ATTACKS, drops down from above. Wings flap, takes her down to the floor.
A mess of a melee as Tom and Linda struggle to yank it off. Sarah barely holds it frenzied attacks at bay. It screech-laughs. As Tom tugs he looks up, stares at —
TOM
BEAR!
Linda stares at him in panic.
LINDA
What?
TOM
BEEEEEEAAAAAAAAR!!
She turns to see —
A stuff BEAR charges towards them. It’s mouth lined with sharp teeth. Razor claws extend from its soft cloth paws.
It BITES down on her arm.
KITCHEN
The gingerbread men continue to fire. Have Howard pinned behind the chopping board.
Finally, it run out. They kick at the empty nail gun. A gas lamp comes into focus behind them.
Howard takes his chance. Throws the board down, grabs up the shotgun, takes aim — BOOM!
Explodes the lamp, sending the gingerbread men FLYING. It’s a miniature, ginger version of an action scene.
Their high-pitched laughs now SCREAMS as they fly, pieces of them missing. Bits of gingerbread land on the floor on FIRE! The three still functional if not whole.
Howard watches them burn, relieved.
The Original Script
Taken from the screenplay written by Todd Casey, Michael Dougherty, Zach Shields. Dated: October 17, 2014
INT. KITCHEN – SAME TIME
Howard then inches past the KITCHEN ISLAND, where a GINGERBREAD HOUSE sits. And inside, something moves…
INT. ATTIC BEDROOM – SAME TIME
Weaving their way through a maze of junk, Tom, Sarah, and Linda follow the CHEWING NOISES to the far side of the attic.
Tom readies his gun. Linda is shaking so badly that she can barely aim her flashlight. They exchange nervous glances as they slowly peer over some old furniture and boxes.
Their flashlights first illuminate what looks like a small WOODEN BOX, a faded JACK-IN-THE-BOX with a tiny handle — similar to the one Beth found when she was taken.
The lid is already open, but instead of a toy, something else has emerged from the box. Some sort of “creature”…
Flashlights pan across its thick serpentine abdomen — like a massive fleshly intestine sprawled across the floor, only at least eight feet long and horrifyingly bloated and distended.
A scream rises in Linda’s throat, but it isn’t until their flashlights find the Jack-in-the-Box’s torso that the screaming really begins. Because its upper body is that of
A CLOWN. A dirty, ragged HARLEQUIN TOY that clawed its way out of a childhood nightmare and into reality.
Even worse, the Clown’s stubby arms are clutching JORDAN’S LEGS — shoving her head first into its dislocated jaws, trying to swallow her whole.
The Clown then winks its black soulless eyes as GULP — Jordan is fully devoured. Then, horribly, it wipes his putrid mouth and SMILES. Delicioussss.
As Linda finally SCREAMS.
INT. LIVING ROOM – SAME TIME
Dorothy and Max hear the screams.
INT. KITCHEN – SAME TIME
So does Howard.
HOWARD
LINDA?!
He bolts for the door when TWHIP TWHIP TWHIP — he’s hit by something small and fast, then falls to the floor in agony.
Howard looks down to see SIX NAILS embedded in his leg. Hearing something, he looks up to see
THE NAIL GUN on the counter — and holding the gun, unbelievably, is a bizarre trio of
!SINISTER GINGERBREAD MEN.
No doubt cousins of the one that took Howie, THE GINGERBREADS try to aim the nail gun while bickering and slapping each other like the little assholes they are.
Howard blinks. Momentarily stunned to say the least.
HOWARD
But I was a good boy this year…
TWHIP TWHIP TWHIP — the Gingerbreads fire again but Howard grabs a CUTTING BOARD, using it as a shield.
INT. ATTIC BEDROOM – SAME TIME
The Clown bends over the grab his next victim: STEVIE, sprawled and unconscious on the floor.
SARAH
SHOOT IT, TOM! FOR GOD’s SAKE, SHOOT IT!!
TOM FIRES, hitting a cluster of junk — Startled, THE CLOWN drops Stevie and SCREECHES off into the shadows.
INT. LIVING ROOM – SAME TIME
SCREAMS fill the house.
AUNT DOROTHY
Jesus, what are those sounds?!
Max clutches the fire poker, too scared to move.
INT. KITCHEN – SAME TIME
DISHES SHATTER all around Howard as he crawls on the floor, dodging a rapid-fire volley of nails. Pinned in a corner, he recovers, trying to get a bead on the Gingerbreads.
He can hear them moving, knocking over pots and pans, still whispering and bickering with each other.
INT. ATTIC BEDROOM – SAME TIME
LINDA
(rushes to Stevie)
Oh God baby, wake up, please wake up!
Stevie moans, groggy but alive. Linda cradles her, when pitter-patter pitter-patter. Something moves behind them. They spin. Flashlights barely illuminating the attic.
Pitter-patter. In front of them. They spin again, shaking. And then A NOISE. WHISPERING from ABOVE. Everyone shines their flashlights upwards to see
A FACE glaring down from the rafters. But it isn’t human, it’s a demented PORCELAIN CHRISTMAS CHERUB clinging to the beams SCREECHING like a bat, her tattered wings spread wide.
THEY SCREAM as the CHERUB LUNGES, knocks Sarah to the ground.
LINDA rushes to help when SOMETHING SMALL AND FURRY leaps from the shadows and CRUNCH! BITES INTO HER ARM. And when we finally get a good look at it, we realize it’s a
TEDDY BEAR. A dirty patchwork toy that has somehow sprung to life. It GROWLS and sinks its very real teeth and claws into Linda’s arm, MAULING her like a rabid animal.
Tom tries pulling the bear away when he suddenly CRIES OUT, arching backwards, hands trying to reach for a KITCHEN KNIFE that has been stabbed between his shoulders.
But even weirder, a clanging RUSTY TOY ROBOT is clinging to the handle, TWISTING the blade deeper into Tom’s back.
These grotesque holiday toys are what “hatched” from the mysterious ornate presents and they are ALIVE — attacking with shocking strength and speed. Meanwhile…
IN A CORNER: THE CLOWN slithers to a VENT, straining to pull it open and escape with Jordan in its belly.
INT. KITCHEN – SAME TIME
Still pinned against a corner, ANOTHER NAIL hits Howard’s shoulder — ANOTHER in his forearm. He SCREAMS as
THE GINGERBREADS LAUGH, enjoying their sadistic fun.
Howard finally spots the little fuckers clustered on the kitchen island, right next to SARAH’S CREME BRULEE TORCH.
Howard aims his shotgun and BOOM! THE TORCH EXPLODES and the Gingerbreads are blasted off the counter. One is blown to pieces while the other two hit the floor, hilariously screeching and running around on fire.
And Howard enjoys watching them burn.
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The Conclusion
Did I ScreenSlay or ScreenFail? I would rate this as a ScreenChristmas (everyone wins on Christmas!) myself but offer your opinion below in the comments.
The things I tend to like most in the original over mine are the things that didn’t really make it on to the screen. Nervous looks, shaking torches. As with The Babysitter script, these appear smaller or never make it onto the screen but do help with the read.
Budget may also have played a role with “thick serpentine abdomen — like a massive fleshly intestine sprawled across the floor, only at least eight feet long and horrifyingly bloated and distended.” The final “creature” being made of cloth and presumably, much cheaper.
Various “unfilmables” (argue amongst yourselves) do heighten certain aspects for me. “A dirty, ragged HARLEQUIN TOY that clawed its way out of a childhood nightmare and into reality.” This works well as it contains both the visual and the feeling. I do think if you’re going to use “unfilmables” this is the best way to go about it. Hide them in with the filmables. After having forced myself to dial back all “unfilmables”, maybe it’s time to crank that knob a little?
I’m a little torn on some of the “internal” descriptions. I can see their value but do wonder if they aren’t just taking up space in places. “No doubt cousins of the one that took Howie, THE GINGERBREADS try to aim the nail gun while bickering and slapping each other like the little assholes they are.” Is their relation to the previous gingerbread man needed information? It is a nice way to remind the reader of why Howard would feel especially aggrieved towards them. Similar with them being assholes, I can see it on the screen so the argument is, it worked but didn’t I get that anyway? In this short section it may seem like a minor complaint (it is). Over a full script, I do wonder…
As is typical it seems, a small section with Stevie was cut or never filmed. I can see why it would be cut for time and logic. The actual actions involved would have slowed things down and not have made all that much logical sense. It would have required characters to twiddle their thumbs while they happened. Some things were moved back, I imagine, for similar reasons.
Wow, Santa brought a fat sack (no laughing at the back) of conclusions. Remember to be good out there so Krampus doesn’t come and visit you!
The End
That’s your lot. Why not try this exercise yourself? With this clip or another. Do you have a clip you’d like to see me attempt? Let me know in a comment. Also, any other thoughts you have on how I did. I know this is the internet but try to be semi-nice. And if you can’t do that, follow Bart Simpsons’ example and try to try.
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Thanks to fanart.tv for the images.
